A Cry in the Dark

Riding in the morning now is cold, dark and gloomy….kinda like the state of my mind for quite some time now.

But, and I guess this is like my mentality, too, there’s also an exquisite beauty to the late autumn mornings.

Mists over the Tama River are breathtaking (that could be weight and age, though!). And the gradation of the sky as the sun prepares to rise is a delight, glowing a reddish orange at the horizon and slowly darkening into a deep blue, almost black the higher it goes. The pampas grass looks like a pink blanket over the riverbanks. The Tama Toshi Monorail also gives the otherwise somewhat bucolic atmosphere a bizarrely futuristic tone.

I’m dealing with suicidal ideation almost constantly. Having my boss, with company support, incessantly debase, deride and dismiss any effort I make, or deliberately set me up for failure as seems to be the case at times, is crippling my ability to function properly.

Fortunately, I realize it’s ideation and there is little I can do about the situation other than to continue to move forward in as constructive manner as possible. Something will be waiting. Besiudes, I can’t die yet. I need to write a will first to make sure that Mrs. Kangaeroo will be safe.