Category: Daily Life

Flashes of Brilliance, but Lacking Focus

Today’s title was a perfect summation of the photos I took on my morning ride, but could also describe my life to a tee.

The skies were spectacular! My photography, not quite so. I am struggling to hold my phone still. My hands shake all the time.

I got a late start as I communicated with my (retired) psychotherapist sister about how to deal with my current situation.

I’m trying to avoid dealing with my emotions and reality.

But I am going to have to face both, as the only solution lies within myself.

And that was going through my mind as I rode off.

Now I have to head to the dentist for an onerous couple of hours.

Falling Stars

I got to see a falling star this morning, the first time in many years, and immediately made a wish.

Partway through, though, I stopped myself and changed the object of my wish.

Instead of seeking some inner peace for myself, I wished happiness and contentment to come to my wife (who has the onerous task of having to put up with me more than anybody else), and then for the long list of people who despise me so that they can be relieved of the ill will that must be hard to carry around.

(It soon dawned on me that I have actually being wishing for my own quick demise, but what’s done is done….)

I like to think of myself as something of a fallen star, having skyrocketed into an apparently stellar career only for it all to come tumbling down. The reality is nothing of the the sort, and that I was never nearly as brilliant as I imagined myself to be and that, in fact, I am at my 適層…the level appropriate for who I am: a bitter, grumpy, selfish, rank-and-file employee unwanted by their employer and lacking the skills needed by society today.

Once I’d stopped thinking about the stars, I got back to reality and did what I always do while riding: prayed for the willingness to do whatever is required of me today, whatever that may be. (I haven’t gotten off to a good start, blogging through procrastination rather than doing the huge amount of work that is currently on my plate. I am sure to get yet another bollocking from the boss for that.)

Bountiful Blessings

This morning was another gloriously beautiful late autumn morning with the full, beaver moon glowing until well after the sun had risen and mists floating up above the Tama River to create wonderfully serene scenes.

Pity the mess in my head can’t turn in a similar direction.

I’m a wreck. Over the past week, my boss has used her position of superiority to abuse me, sometimes publicly, for not using bold text, using the “wrong” font (in internal documents), directly addressing her in an email instead of just cc’ing her and blasted for not delivering work I was never supposed to deliver in the first place. Of course, this is all part of an orchestrated campaign to drive me out of the company “of my own volition,” instead of having the company tell me to go and risk tarnishing its reputation as a good employer (which hasn’t been my experience over the past few years, regardless of how grateful I am to them for helping us to get through the pandemic).

Still, it’s a situation largely out of my control. I’ve sought the aid of labor authorities, who can do nothing for me, and a union, who won’t do anything, so an attorney looks to be the only way out. In the meantime, I am documenting everything, including the telephone calls where I am abused in a banshee-like, shrill scream for the most minor indiscretion and ordered to stop asking questions amid accusations of being “provocative.”

If there were somewhere else to go, I would certainly be considering it, but I am not exactly Mr. Popularity in the workforce, and I am painfully aware of being over-educated and under-skilled: effectively unskilled in the current workforce.

Mondayitis….Every Day!

Monday is gloomy and depressing in my soul-sucking job, with today being particularly so because I am the sole native English speaker working and we are inundated with work and every effort I make berated for its shortcomings. I woke feeling painfully gloomy, was shortly greeted by a Zodiac reading forecasting an awful day, my Wahoo didn’t work, and I just can’t spark myself to get into action.

Yet, I was blessed on the morning ride. The full beaver moon setting over the Tama River was simply breathtaking. I stopped before starting and went back to pick up a real camera so I could capture it’s beauty (but made the mistake of using the wrong lens, so wasn’t able to do the scene justice.) I made repeated stops trying to capture an elusive masterpiece of a shot, but the best pictures I was able to take for the day would be courtesy of the mists.

A Cry in the Dark

Riding in the morning now is cold, dark and gloomy….kinda like the state of my mind for quite some time now.

But, and I guess this is like my mentality, too, there’s also an exquisite beauty to the late autumn mornings.

Mists over the Tama River are breathtaking (that could be weight and age, though!). And the gradation of the sky as the sun prepares to rise is a delight, glowing a reddish orange at the horizon and slowly darkening into a deep blue, almost black the higher it goes. The pampas grass looks like a pink blanket over the riverbanks. The Tama Toshi Monorail also gives the otherwise somewhat bucolic atmosphere a bizarrely futuristic tone.

I’m dealing with suicidal ideation almost constantly. Having my boss, with company support, incessantly debase, deride and dismiss any effort I make, or deliberately set me up for failure as seems to be the case at times, is crippling my ability to function properly.

Fortunately, I realize it’s ideation and there is little I can do about the situation other than to continue to move forward in as constructive manner as possible. Something will be waiting. Besiudes, I can’t die yet. I need to write a will first to make sure that Mrs. Kangaeroo will be safe.

Roo-ed Good Health!

Not much is going well (except rude good health), but I got a lucky break today and feel pretty chuffed about it.

Following the morning’s customary ride, I got home and discovered the kangaroo badge I had velcroed to my bike saddle bag just two days ago was gone.

I kicked myself with the reminder of my incredible propensity for breaking, losing, damaging or otherwise rendering unusable just about anything I ever get my hands on.

Then, I happened to look at Strava and noticed that a follower had posted a photo of the lost badge!

“You bloody ripper,” I thought, believing that I’d be able to pick it up off him. Then I read his post and found out that he’d left the badge where he found it….about 15 km from my home.

I didn’t have enough time to make it to the spot and back before work started, so decided I would go during my lunch break. I figured if I rode fast enough, I’d make it there and back on time.

Unfortunately, the wind was pretty strong, and I feared that the badge would be blown away long before I got to the Chuo Line rail bridge across the Tama River where my mate had left it.

Lunchtime came and I got to the spot without any hassle. But nothing was to be found. I slowly searched the grass in the area, then went up and down the stairs where the badge had been found. Nothing.

Then, just as I was about to give up, I spotted it! Somebody had put a pebble on top of the badge to stop it blowing away. And I had my kangaroo back!

I took a couple of shots and re-attached it with the velcro and rode off. Less than 100 meters later, the badge fell to the ground again.

Finally learning my lesson, I shoved the badge in my pocket and raced home, just making it back in time to avoid being bollocked for being out too long.

That was where my luck ran out, though: the boss determined to find at least one fault in my activities every day rang to blast me for not acknowledging one of her micromanaging messages on Telegram. She was right, and I had acknowledged my error, but she still felt compelled to call and blast me to assert her authority. Fuck her, and fuck my company for condoning her abuse.


This morning’s ride was like being on another planet. For a brief instant, it seemed like I was riding into one of those scenes of other worlds in outer space that used to be depicted on the covers of pulp sci-fi books.

Unseasonal warmth continues and I still manage to wear a summer kit in the pre-dawn hours one third of the way through November: a time when I’m usually in full-fingered gloves and with at least a vest or long-sleeved summer jersey. Nice! Bring on the global warming (with apologies to the younger generations who’re gonna have to deal with its effects). Mind you, it’s supposed to return to regular weather again from today. We have had an outstanding run this autumn, though.

But the skies were on my side with the out of this world experience, too. I got a brief passage where the moon and Venus peeped through the clouds.

The sun was starting to rise and added some color to the sky. Yesterday had been a magnificent sunrise, so I was tempted to keep riding. But, fortunately, I stopped and took the pictures accompanying this post. It was a good thing I did, too.

Not long after capturing these shots, the skies turned gray and dull. I wasn’t surprised to come home and learn that rain is forecast for today. It will be welcome, even if it means missing a ride, as it will keep our lawn seed moist. Kangaeroo Corner clearly benefits from the rain, so bring it on!