I’ve never been good at dealing with life on life’s terms, and being a selfish and spoiled type, easily get down when I don’t get what I want.
I got to experience that side of me again this week.
My boss finally pushed through the severe pay cut she has been aiming at for the past couple of years. I’m now down to about 60% of the wage I was hired at a decade ago, with less than half the paid vacation, a much-reduced medical plan, no allowances and footing the bill for the company to produce the work it sells at a huge markup.
I’m sure this situation is aimed at pushing me out of the company rather than have it face sanction for driving people away.
I ain’t leaving anytime soon, though. I got old and useless and decrepit. Combined with a scandal that any employer doing due diligence will immediately discount me from their possible candidates, I don’t have anywhere to go.
I feel hurt, ashamed and disheartened. I worked hard, and doubly so to be a constructive presence for our team and my boss. I am angry, resentful and disgusted at the company for allowing her to push through with the cut. Of course, this should spur me to seek greener pastures. Fear, mostly of rejection, is playing havoc with my mind. And it’s not an unrealistic fear, either.
Anyway, I should have been feeling better. The mornings this week were simply glorious. I got to set magnificent sunrises as I rode down to the river, then plenty of wonderful views as the sun rose into the late summer clouds.
On Friday, the setting full moon was simply glorious as it accompanied me as I cycled upriver. Even the notoriously shy Mount Fuji of the summer was showing herself in full.
If I had to be humiliated, there were worse times that it could have happened, and the opportunity to cycle and be rewarded with such beauty did much to soothe my soul.
Now, I am trying to turn my mind to being grateful to have a job. Of course, I also have to torture myself or I wouldn’t be on brand, so I am gonna get stuck into the garden, too.
Summer decimated our once lush lawn. It has broken my heart and I have thrown everything but the kitchen sink at it to try and work out a fix. Nothing has worked so far. It has cooled noticeably in the early mornings and evenings. I am hoping this will give the lawn the break it needs.