Navel-gazing is a dubious “talent” of which I have been adorned with for life, bar those couple of decades when I was too grossly obese to be able to even see my navel.
That never stopped me from over-thinking: worse, actually, as taking any action has always been pretty close to a last resort even now when I am more nimbler physically than the mental agility I was blessed (or cursed) with in youth.
My over-thinking now is about work. I caused a scandal a couple of decades ago, but Google makes sure it remains fresh in the mind of any prospective employer doing due diligence. My current position took six years of effective unemployment to find, and I only got this job because of the intervention and understanding of friends. Those same people gladly guided me to another open position recently where I tested well, interviewed well and missed out on the job because of my past. At least the employer was clear about that being the reason. But it sapped a lot of the meager amounts of confidence I may have had.
I’m trying to train myself to be humble, grateful and realistic. My skill set is pretty much worthless. Menial tasks are about all I can perform at a professional level. Apart from the reputation problem, I’m old, slow, dumb and hubristic. I’m in strife and I need to realize that and adapt accordingly. It’s not easy.
Dealing with the situation has drawn me back to the basics: I admit I have a problem that I can’t control, that only a power greater than me can help me overcome, and I need to believe that power will prevail.
